Just believe! (eng)

2010-12-26T12:12:00.000-08:00

I truly hope that You had at least as nice Christmas as I had! :)

2010-12-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

Autumn has never really been my time of year. But still I miss those late autumn nights, when I fell in sleep with a sound of raindrops falling on my window.

2010-12-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently how I manage to busy myself with so many million things; as I would be never-tiring? But do I have a choice then? I just have to manage. The most important, I myself want that. Person's own will's probably the most powerful source of energy, power that puts things to move, events to happen. You just have to be strong and do what you really want to do. And even when it comes to a moment when I feel that I can't stand anymore, then there's always someone next to me, who lifts me back up to my feet, supports and helps.

So simple it is.
Smile and enjoy what you're doing.

2010-12-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

Life's as beautiful as beautiful you try to see it. The more positive you take everything, the more positive it all seems to be.
With a smile you can change yourself and the others happier. Small but still effective way to repair a world around and in you.

2010-12-07T07:23:00.001-08:00

2010-12-06T13:14:00.001-08:00

He was mine but not really.
I never really had him, so i never really lost him.
I guess this is how we will always be.
I had him, he had me.
But then again there was really no us.

2010-11-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm like a cat who doesn't like to be in rain, but still sits by the window and follows it falling down.

2010-11-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we sometimes see things as we want to see them, not as they actually are. After waking up, we notice the difference, not at all wanting to accept it. Just like little kids we grizzle and do the things our way, understand and act as we like. And even when somebody's trying to take us back to earth, we turn our back, smile and keep going head held high through our own path.

Self-willed creatures.

2010-10-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

"When i was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When i went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me i didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life."

- quote from unknown.

2010-10-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

There's always two exit in every situation. Sometimes we just might not see the other one. Or just can't figure it out.

2010-10-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

You feel, as everything's suddenly too much. How everything starts growing over your head. How you're sinking into a deeper and deeper burden of duties. How the harrowing tentacles of stress will grab you ever-stroger. Just as the whole world would have started to spin at the full speed, and the time has been shortened as well.

But still you continue doing it. As something would push you, forbids you to stop. There's a saying the more you do, the more you reach. If you sit all the day on the couch, then it's pretty difficult to find a motivation to run few km outside. But when you're binded with an obligation or you have a responsibility, then it's like easier to do it. Though, nobody actually doesn't force you. Isn't it the conscience.

As long as you're doing what you love, keep doing it. With teeth crossed, keep going. Breathe for a moment and listen to your heart, it knows.

It's time to take risks, sweetheart.

2010-09-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

She sat on the rooftop of the world. She sat and listened. Everything around her was calm, but not desperately wet-blanketly and negative emotions forcingly calm, no. Rather was it a contentment that surrounded her. Just as the whole world would have been in harmony with itself. Beautiful. But in a moment she opened her eyes, she understood that all that bliss had been far away from her. She now knew where she belonged and it wasn't there. She didn't know exactly where it was, but she knew that her heart didn't belong to there. She couldn't waste more time, she had to find that place. A place, where her heart starts to smile as she reaches there. She didn't know where to start, she just started walking. One step, moment and day at a time. She's still walking to this day, but one moment the day comes, when she stops.

And one day, i will stop as well.

2010-08-28T05:20:00.000-07:00

He asked me why i was there.
If only i would've known. Everything would've been so much easier, made sense. I only knew that my feet took me on that starlight night to that street corner and my headache didn't want to stop.
"For you can ask me, why i'm here."
We found a bench and we found a Great Bear.

We listened to silence.

2010-08-27T10:01:00.001-07:00

Coffee's never strong enough for the reality.

Tõnu Õnnepalu

2010-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

"I think there's a time in life, when you read books. But it should take you to the time, when you don't read them anymore. Because otherwise it would be useless. When you only have to add and add there, then it's like a bottom of a sifter. You read in order to understand, not for collecting knowledges. That outer knowledge and inner being should run together, get into resonance. Then the books should not be needed anymore, then it should work itself. Or when you do read then, and why not, then it would be like turning the prayermill. It leads to nowhere, at best it brings to right here, where you are.

---
The books should not be given to every people, the right person should read the right book, or the things could go in confusion.

---

Old houses are like old people, often anoying, but when comes this special moment where they doesn't complain over anything, when nothing distracts them and when they remember that when they change their life into the peaceful story, then at once they have a lot to offer. This moment needs to be waited, the arrival of this can't be quicken. And when it is here, it only needs to be in, nothing else should be done.

---
Because the secret of the culture is, or that's not a secret, but it's not always noticed: old is the base of everything, but you can understand the old only through new, only by creating new, not by trying to hunch all the old legacy, or by trying to make everything in a new way, but in creating it aroud, creating it again.

---
Nothing works in the culture better than cliches."

"The diary of Fladria", 2007

2010-07-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

People often carry a heavy chaining burden of the past with them. The burden that contains everything to understand the present and to take in the future. The burden where everything extra, tangling, distracting can be found.

It's easy to say to let go, to leave behind. Probably the most difficult would be to abandon the people, because thanks to them you're today here and now just the one who you are.
Fortunately or unfortunately.

Although they have played an important role in your life, you can't maintain this bandage, feeling, connection that dominated you on that moment, when you two laughed together over the candle flame or when you were running blindly along the seaside.

Don't worry about the people who are from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. But memories are these, where they keep living in.

Scars are for to remind you once in a while that the past is real.

2010-06-22T14:11:00.001-07:00

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now.

2010-06-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

The old ones are starting to detach, disappear. The new ones hasn't fixate in the heart, find a definite place yet, or haven't oneself being able to attach or trust a place. Suddenly seems everything so uncertain, -clear. Nothing's the same anymore nor in the way as it could be. But there's still something that helps to move on - step by step, hour by hour, day by day. A dream, a hope that one day you will wake up with a knowledge that everything is exactly the way it should be.

Hopes have wings that carry us forward in our lives.

And at that, a person who can dream, is a beautiful person.

2010-06-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

I meet rarely songs, that lyrics really touch my heart and soul. More rarely i meet more than one that kind of song from one performer. But Martina Mcbride did it. "God's Will", "Anyway", "Concrete Angel", those lyrics and videos - indiscribably good.

2010-05-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

Everything, that made you smile, was worth it, whether you agree with it now or not.

2010-04-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

Someone has said, that there isn't anyone who couldn't love them, once you've heard their story.
Emotions, thrills, experiences, wounds, giggles, tears, loves, hatings, hugs, kisses, silents, screams, punishments, cheatings, lies, presents, fakings, dancings, singings, delays, forgivings.
Springly sun caring the hair. Birds announcing summer coming in a moment on top of the trees. Soft blanket covering my shoulders. Steaming cup of coffee in your hands.
Me and you. My story. Your story.

Put me falling in love with you. Share your story with me.

2010-04-02T00:33:00.001-07:00

2010-03-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things.

2010-03-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Take one day and be as productive as you can.
Put yourself on a test.
Somehow you may (re)discover that way some strong qualities and weak sides of your own.

Sometimes it's good, that experiencing with yourself. As if it cultivates the character, trains it and designs. Well, sometimes it's needed.

2010-03-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

My five months old fluffy has a period of teeth change. I was eating breakfast with mom and sis, when dog was lying in front of the cooker and licked the border of the oven.
Mom:"Let's open the door of the oven, washes it from the inside also! The time of the crisis makes people inventive: Let's make a firm, who needs to wash an oven, we send Billa there."

2010-03-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

I would like to run barefooted in heavy rain, putting the people passing by to think of the joys in life. I would like to sit on a park bench, sipping cocoa and enjoying the snow falling down, with toes freezing. I would like to wake up on a beach with a sunrise. I would like to dance on the top of the roofs in the moonlight. I would like to run miles, thinking of nothing. I would like to help the African village's youngest one to bring water from the spring, 15 km far. I would like to sing on the narrow and dusty streets of Cuba the songs, that's meanings only i know. I would like to fly with a chute, feeling myself free. I would like to fly the paper planes along the endless farmlands. I would like to jump on the balls of hay. I would like to put the candy into the pocket of a person with whom i maybe haven't never talked with. I would like to smile and play with the kids, who aren't surrounded with a loving family. I would like to pick blueberries in forest. I would like to bake a big cake and to share it with people who doesn't have a chance to afford it.

I would like to whisper on the top of the high mountain to the wind how happy i am.

Kalev Kesküla

2010-03-15T15:10:00.000-07:00

"I mean everyone needs some myth of own, some picture of myself. In the long run it might not be adequate anymore - we have created for ourself an image of myself and have stuck into it. But this is normal - human can't bustle all the time and create a reputation like a foreign office of a small country. Forgetting yourself in the picture of yourself gives a life the darkness."

"Under the twitting should be some years of knowledge and the growth of feelings."

"But aren't the books still smarter than their authors."

His interview in Postimees Online (in Estonian).

2010-03-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

I think i will never stop loving strangers. Their outer unawareness in them is captivatingly attractive. How they're passing by you in closest supermarket with this simplicity and naiveness. They're all living in their own worlds, wrestling with their own problems, with sorrow and joy. Everyone for itself. Everyone with head holding high. Proudly. Fighting.

You think you're wrestling alone with this compassionless and endlessly inside destroying rutin?
Look around yourself. Look into their eyes. You're not alone. There's plenty of us.
Thats's the thing that's attractive. Nonexisting but at the very moment perfect similarity of these strangers with you and your problems.

2010-02-12T04:57:00.000-08:00

They use to say that home is where your heart is. I'm afraid i haven't found my home.

And i keep circling around, afraid to call this place my own.

2010-02-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes just can't handle it, but it's good to know that you doesn't always have to.

2010-01-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

Look at those stars.

These are the same stars that formed figures also last week, a year ago. The same that lightened the nights when we were kids. When we weren't even born. Hundred years ago.

No-one will ever know who we are but their nights will be lightened by the same stars that show us the way when we sip our cocoa on our midnight walk.

2010-01-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes wonders my look around the room full of people, trying to find out what they could think about right now. I look at the way their eyebrows are arched. I try to read the look their eyes are reflecting. Try to watch the way they're sitting. And i try to read their mind.

It's weird though: the fact, that people are able to talk in their minds and we can't hear them, and how they could be wondering the exact same thing, "I wonder what everyone else is thinking?"

2010-01-21T12:23:00.001-08:00

"I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, i want to see scars, failure, disorder, distortion."
- Yohji Yamamoto

2010-01-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

I read a while back Pille Hanni's autobiographical book that was published 2 years ago and caused a lot of rumor. I haven't read a long time a book that causes so many contradictional thoughts and emotions in me.

The main character have written the whole book quite subjective, originated from her own opinion. Naturally, who wouldn't write her biography on personal views. One of the main lines throughout the whole piece, was how the author made herself the victim of everything, above all the victim of love. She blamed for her whole unsuccessful life absolutely self-denying love for her husband. As the love would've been a man holding gun on her temple and promised to kill her if she would have tried to inform the police that her husband's frying human meat in the kitchen in the middle of the night. As the love would've been a monster with giant claws who hindered her to crab a phone, when the man came home with the mementos of the killed ones. For her perhaps it was so. But she was the one who created this cage, that she called love, for herself. Something that i've never understood is redundant denying of myself, depressing my identity and hiding, destroying the 'real me'. And all this for someone else. Someone else, who least deserves that and who by no means appreciates nor values it.

She writes about herself as a victim. I'm not saying, she wasn't. Above all, she was the victim of mental violence. I'm not the right person to say she acted wrong, although the whole inside of me is screaming she did. I haven't got a glue, how i would act in this kind of situation. Though right now i think i know exactly how i would act when my future husband will come to talk to me about his murders. Human can think a lot what she would do, but the actual situation shows what's going to happen or not.

Interesting reading.

"Cannibal's widow - like this i've been called for a quarter of century. At that time i thought like that:
"I don't know what's wrong with me, but i can't turn him in. I know that i'm ignoring all the laws, but i can't sue my husband, with whom i'm despite of everything still in love. Despite of fact that he's a murderer. I've always been a decisive woman, but why now everything in me is rejecting? I understand the love like this: it has to be absolutely self-denying, nothing in return waiting, the love has to rise up the person who you're in love with, at the same time leaving yourself in the shadow. Has to be tolerant, humble and what's essential, you have to feel with your entire being that you're consent to abandon everything for the one you love.""

2010-01-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

2010-01-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

What is wrong will be right. What is pain will be joy. What is sick will be healthy. What is rough will be smooth. And what is lost will be found.
All you need is time.

2009-12-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Find your Happy Thought and fly!

Don't wait somebody to sprinkle the fairydust on you and to push. Find your goal and strech your wings toward it.

Something that you should see.

2009-12-23T02:31:00.001-08:00

2009-12-19T10:43:00.001-08:00

I love the cold outside, it makes me feel warmer inside.

The moral of today.

2009-12-18T12:37:00.000-08:00

Don't ever eat marmelade with an empty stomach!

2009-12-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

I may be the most naive person you've ever met, but still i believe that life's pretty.
You just have to look on right side.

Look around you and walk to the nearest person you can see. Put your arms around him and give him a hug. Make someone's day happier, just like your day's made more valuable with each little act.

2009-12-06T03:36:00.000-08:00

Do you want to be happy? Make someone else happy.
Dealer's joy is a doubled joy.

"When we feel love and kindness towards others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace."
- The Dalai Lama

The balance

2009-11-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

Be at peace and know that you are perfect in your imperfection.

Jaan Tätte

2009-11-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

"Some says, he doesn't want to grow old at all. I want a lot.
I would like to sit on a park bench as an oldster and to watch the youths.
To see, how youths won't get the simpliest things, and how they're afraid to do things that should be done right now, and how they're afraid to say things
that should've said a long time ago.
Just because they're afraid to get hurt.
Just because they think that everything's yet on their way and there's no rush to nowhere.
And once they notice there's fewer on the way and things,
that remained undone or unspoken, will stay undone and unspoken."

Thang god for giftbags!

2009-11-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

We packed christmas presents for children today, there were eight of us. We started half 11 in the morning and ended wrapping around 7 in the evening. 1280 present were wrapped. I think i don't want to wrap any present no more, none red bow-tie, wrapping papers with santa-clauses, chocolates nor gingerbreads to see. My further christmas presents will be in giftbags, that's for sure!

My small family increased again on Wednesday by one new member. We decided with mom, that it can't be like that anymore, we need a dog too. I've always had pets, i've used to them, learned to love them. Can't be without them anymore. The name of my newest fluffy's Peak River Billapalona, Billa for short. Donna, my cat, has difficulties right now with the newborn, but she'll get used to it. Billa and Bessu, my dog in Pärnu, are getting along wonderfully, said my mom. Ohh, it's so good to come home when some fluffy runs towards you and jumps to your lap, from whose eyes you can read how precious you are to her.

2009-11-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

I rediscovered this talented musician for myself again.
It's good for a change.

Giovanni Boccaccio, "Decameron"

2009-11-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

"Who doesn't know then that Cinciglione, Scolajo and many others think wine's a very good thing, but bad to the one who feverous is? Do we begin to say now that wine's bad because it's harful for those who in fever are? Who doesn't know that fire's very useful for mortals and even essential? Do we begin to say now that fire's bad, because it burns down the houses, villages and cities? As well guns protect those who want to live in peace and yet they often bring death to people; by itself they're not harmful but are that due to the people who use them meanly. The person with a spoiled intellect doesn't understand a word soberly and as he has no use of decent words, thus can the words, that not quite decent are, dirty the person with a right intellect as less than dirt the sunbeams or the filth on the earth the beauty of heaven. Which books, which words, which letters are holier, nobler, more honorable than the holy scripture? But haven't been plenty of those who have doomed themselves and the others due to the wrong translation? Everything's suitable for something in itself, but in bad using can it harm lots of. "

2009-11-08T03:24:00.000-08:00

Full of Love Father's Day!

"Silence", Romano Battaglia.

2009-10-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

"Everything's alone in this world.
The stars, the winds, the heavenly bodies, the clouds, the water,
the waves, the moon, the sun.
We're wanderers in cosmos,
the luminous spot of the heavenly body
as if seems in the distance, yet we notice then,
that it was just a shred of a meteorite
kindled from the sun's reflection.
We feel a necessity to get to know
unknown and we tear ouselves away from the ground,
to step over the lines of the other side.
Sometimes the destiny waits us
there, where the dreams end
and we began to be the heroes of the heavens.
And we fall asleep in peace
in the cementary of the stars in heaven.

---

It's hard to erase deep tracks,
that events have pressed in our
soul. We're the fruit of our past,
we're the life itself, that has grown inside of us
like a tree trunk
with its colours, smells and hubbles,
that winds and rains have perpetuated eternally
on its bark. As well we're the time undergone:
depends on ourselves, if to come a new person
or to stay old as our years
and memories.
Have to dare to make the sails
and to sail, where the winds of the destiny will push
the boat. The aspiration to give a point to your existence
may lead us to a desperation,
but life without a meaning
is like a rack of
desires and fears."

2009-10-27T05:20:00.001-07:00

Ohh, you know, sometimes it's so good not do know.

2009-10-25T04:39:00.001-07:00

Music.

2009-10-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

There're songs, what take us to sway in the rhythm of the music. There're those, that crazily make us flow with rhythm. There're songs, what make us to hum the lyrics. There're those, that make us to belt out and forget about the environment. There're songs, what bring the smile on our faces. There're songs, that bring us to tears.

But the best songs are those that will take us to the memories when we first heard those songs.

2009-10-14T13:41:00.001-07:00

I think today's a perfect day for a perfect day.

Jääboiler- kaks tüdrukut

2009-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

2009-10-04T02:02:00.001-07:00

Decidedly we all have mornings when coffee's never strong enough.

Mine has just started.

"Au bleu cochon"

2009-10-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

I visited today a play "au bleu chocone" (in english "blue big") by dancegroup Drift, organized by estonian Independent Dance Association in Kumu auditorium. Hour-long show was able to give strong mood swingings and the confusions of feelings.

'Au bleu chocone' was a bar with a glitter curtain, a TV incessantly showing two soccer-playing rabbits, an igloo covered with fur and lighting that became more garish and colorful as the piece continued. Absurdities of daily life and human (over)reactions were unveiled as an expression of animalistic drives. Greed, escapism and battles sent man’s bella figura into a tailspin and forced the most normal behavior to the limits of reason. Every once in a while a woman crawled into the igloo as though the world were an icy planet and completely lost.

"Au bleu cochon" reminded us that man is a pitiful animal and the world a zoo of lost souls. Every moment was infused with the potential for the unexpected. Playful moments suddenly mixed with dreadful ones, loneliness with chumminess.

The characters were half human, half animal. They were human animals whose hybrid nature was written on their lapels and who conformed to no psychological role models. Human beasts whose hybrid characteristics were labeled on their lapels..

It was a dance between cautious approaches and fights.

Who has a chance and when there's still tickets left, i truly recommend to go to the show on Sunday in Tartu, in Sadamateater.

Short video of the show.

The priorities.

2009-09-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t matter how much you spent. It doesn’t matter how many people worked for you. It doesn’t matter how far you traveled. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you drove. It doesn’t matter who knew your name.
It matters how much you loved.

2009-09-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday evening, it's 9:46 PM and in front of me lays my diary on the table, where you can read that i've some homework in almost every subject for tomorrow. And as much i would like to, i can't say there's few to study. Next to my diary steams a hot cup of green tea, John Mayer plays in my computer and my little fluffy purrs with a gentle tone on my lap. And i'm smiling. I'm smiling because i'm happy. Although i know that i can't go to sleep before midnight because i need to study. Although i know my last test in math went absolutely wrong. Although i know that everything's not okay at all. I'm still happy and smiling.

I'm similing because i need to at the moment.
I'm smiling because i have moments in my memory that needs it.
I'm happy
I'm smiling.

The face.

2009-09-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

Every now and then i see the face in the mirror, what reflects a confusion, as i wouldn't be so sure whether i am supposed to be on Earth.

The wings.

2009-09-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Once in a while need the wings of all of us fixing. At the moments, when we feel us flightless and sit under the tree alone with a feeling of loosing a hope that we ever fly again, we notice form afar, how a friend's scurring with confident steps towards us, holding in his hand a sticky-tape and a glue, a thread and a needle, a string and the old newspapers. He sits next to us and smiles. Smiles and says:" Soon, soon we're flying together again," and starts to fix our wings with a will. The suns coming out, the birds are singing on the treetop but the wings are broken. Nothing's helping. "You have to fix them on your own," he says with a hope shining in his eyes. "Thank you," we say and we're ready to try. We're ready to try to fix our wings again, just because he was willing to.

We're flying.

The new beginning.

2009-09-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

Stress, headaches and nervous lash outs. You feel how everything just banks up. Everythings suddenly too much. They say that try to accinge from one end and detangle those tangles in your life. You try with no results. More you try to detangle the tangles of your life, more of them will spring up. At one moment you discover yourself in the middle of the ball of yarns tangle, from where to escape without harming the yarn is impossible. You cruelly take the scissors and cut your way through familiar strands. Some more precious ones you grab with you and run. Run far away. To have a new beginning. To start a new tangle.

You can't always solve everything. Sometimes it's more wiser to leave everything and to start on a clean slate far away. Escapeing isn't a solution. Making a decision to turn a clean page in life is a solution.